


Reasons Why

by HEARTBROKEN (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan Howell - Freeform, Depressed ! Dan, Depression, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Drabble, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 16:14:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4228440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/HEARTBROKEN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil accidentally picks up an important phone call for Dan regarding his prescriptions, and discovers that Dan's been keeping secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reasons Why

**Author's Note:**

> I GOT BORED OK SORRY THIS SUCKS A LOT BUT I THINK ITS KIND OF ADORABLE

Dan was in town today, Christmas shopping. I couldn't go because I had a cold.

So I played Mario Cart 8 all day.

Until around two in the afternoon, when the phone rang. Of course, I answered. It was Dan's doctor calling, I assumed about his meds. I had no idea what his meds were or what they were for, all I know is that he freaks out if he's run out.

 

"Hello, may I speak to Dan please?" He asked in an American accent. I didn't know Dan had an American doctor.

 

"He's in town right now, I can take a message?" I offered.

 

He seemed to agree, as he proceeded to talk. "Okay, tell him that his anti-depressant script is ready."

 

The room started to spin. "Anti-depressant? Um - uh, are you sure you're talking about Dan Howell?"

 

"Yes, I am. You didn't know about his depression?"

 

"N- no sir," I managed to get out. I felt like I was gonna be sick.

 

"You are Phil Lester right? Dan's flatmate?"

 

"Y-yes."

 

"Shoot, he told me he told you. So I'm assuming you don't know about the anorexia or anxiety?"

 

Anorexia? How could I not have noticed? How could I not have noticed his anxiety? How could I never have picked up on his depression? How come I've never thought to check the name on the bottle? How could I not have noticed? How could I?

 

"Sir? Are you still there?"

 

My head snapped back to reality, causing me to realize that I'd fallen on the floor.

 

"Yeah, I'm here."

 

"Okay good, please deliver that message to Daniel. I have to be somewhere."

 

As soon as the phone call ended, I started crying. I cried because I was a horrible best friend, I cried because he never told me, I cried because I never thought about checking the bottle - I cried because he might self harm.

 

That would explain the never wearing shorts, bands around his arms, long sleeves - oh my God. Dan cuts and I've never noticed.

 

How could I?

 

+

 

Dan got home at 8:49. I was sitting on the couch, me tears barely dried.

"Phil! I'm home!" He yelled, his voice echoing around the flat. I flinched, curling father into the couch.

As soon as he saw me, he knew something was wrong. I wish I had the ability to read him like that.

He put down the shopping bags and sat next to me on the couch, his face covered in concern. He stared straight into my eyes, and I honestly could barely breathe.

"Your doctor called today." I whispered, tears piling up behind me eyes.

His face showed that he was scared, very very scared. I don't like it when he's scared.

"Phil..." He trailed off.

I took a deep breath.

"Your anti-depressants are ready." I said, a small tear dripping down the side of my face.

He looked like he'd just been shot. He blinked back his tears, not wanting to cry.

"Did he tell you?" He whispered.

"Yes, Dan, he told me about the depression, and the anxiety, and the anorexia." I choked out.

He looked so afraid, so fragile, and so broken. "I'm - I just -"

"I'm sorry. I'm a horrible best friend. I should've picked up on it."

He fell directly into my arms. I held him in my arms, as close as possible. I felt him cry onto my shirt, but it was silent. I held the broken boy in my hands, wishing that I would've figured it out sooner.

"Dan, I need you to take your shirt off." He stiffened, but stood up and turned around. He slowly took his shirt off, his hands shaking. He put his hands over his chest and turned around, his arms still hiding his body.

I stood up next to him and slowly unfolded his arms from across his chest. His ribs stuck out, and he was skinnier than a twig. He looked like he would break if I touched him. But then, carved into his chest, was the word " FREAK " and quite a few exclamation marks. I held him so tightly, as we cried onto each other.

"I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry for never noticing. Dan, your not a freak. You're perfect."

"No, I'm fat." He sighed.

"Dan, you are the skinniest person I know. You're fragile. I'm afraid that I'm going to break you right now."

He didn't reply to that. I picked him up, carrying him onto the couch. He couldn't have weighed more than six and a half stone. I was beyond concerned.

I glanced down, seeing his wrists. They were covered in scars. It wasn't sickening, but it hurt to think that he did that to himself.

I grabbed both of his wrists, looking him dead in the eye.

"Daniel Howell, I love you. It hurts me so much to see you do this. I'm so, so sorry I never picked up on any of this.

"Phil, it's not your fault. I - I should've told you right after I was diagnosed, or even before that. I'm sorry that I'm such an inconsiderate faggot excuse for a human, more like a freak." It hurt me so badly to hear him talk like that.

"Dan, you're not a freak. You are the opposite of a freak."

"No, I'm a freak. Why else would I stay awake until 5:00AM thinking about how much I'm in love with me best friend? Hm? That's not normal. It's not normal. I'm a fr-"

He wouldn't stop talking. I could barely process his words enough to know that he said that he loved me, but that was enough. So, I kissed him. I kissed him to make him stop talking about himself like he was stupid, and I kissed him because I loved him too.

"You are the most amazing, most beautiful person I know. Please don't talk like that." He was unreadable. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. But, right now, I really didn't care.

So I kissed him again, but harder. He kissed back this time. I felt something salty fall into our kiss, and realized that he was crying.

I cupped his face, looking him straight in his eyes. "I like it when we're on the train and you're disgusted by other peoples hygiene, but you're too polite to say anything about it. It's adorable. I like it when you're staring at me, and you don't think I notice, and when I look at you, you look away all flustered. I like it when you fix you're fringe. Because, you're cute with messy hair. I think that your curly hair is sexy. I think you're cute when you cringe. I like it when you're zoned out and playing with your lip without realizing it, that's really quite sexy. I like the face you make when I eat your cereal. I think it's really cute when you get slightly scared by small things. I like how you know exactly how I'm feeling all the time, and the fact that I can tell you anything. I like learning new things about you. I love it when we do the radio how happy you get when you win one of our Dan VS. Phil games. I love it when you teach me how to play video games. I love it when you randomly laugh at something on the internet from your couch crease. I love how you always have to be so symmetrical, and how happy you get when things are symmetrical. I love your dimple. I love it when you miss me while I'm on a holiday. I love it when you cuss, because it's really sexy when you do. I love beating you at video games because you get really cute. I love when you talk about me when you explain why you started a YouTube channel. I love being featured in your videos. I love you Dan, I love everything about you. I am in love with you."

This time, he kissed me.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, i did warn you that this sucks right?
> 
>  
> 
> sORRY IF YOU ACTUALLY READ THIS


End file.
